Every part of me divorced my parents at the age of 21 and this was the only way I could recover what was left of me to be a decent human being. I needed to let the anger go without it eating me inside and I also needed to separate myself from what was angering me. I learnt in the next year or so to accept, acknowledge and forgive. Best of all I desperately needed accept the apology I would probably never receive.
My siblings and I probably had an almost enviable upbringing. We were never in need or want. My dad was almost always ready to supply us with the bikes, the swimming lessons and as the teen years approached, the pocket money for weekend movie dates with friends. As the years rolled on and we grew older, innocence seemed to wash our eyes clean, and the variation between the needs and wants seemed to be so far apart. My parents separated in the late years of my teens, the middle years of my sister’s teens and in my brother’s pre-teens. I can safely say, I have only just begun healing. I always wished my parents could have just completed the course of parenting us and then sent us into the real world, unfortunately I had to put on those big girl panties pretty early – brave faced and all.
In our home there was your parents’ relationship, there was the relationship you have with your parents, there was the relationship your parents have with you, there was the relationship that they wanted you to have with your siblings and then there was the real relationship you had with each other – All very different and not in sync.
This confusion made me go through my teen yours carrying a lot of anger and confusion. A lot of suppressed anger and hurt.
That lack of apology disempowers, it disables the heart and the mind. It made me sick to the core.
My parents and I have since been on a road to reunion and re-establishing our relationships but it is not easy, because there is still no vocalised “I’m Sorry”. Two words so powerful and life-changing.
An apology would have probably made my life better and changed me sooner. Perhaps my parents and I with that single apology could be closer now than we would have ever been or we are. Perhaps that apology could heal my relationship with my siblings. But I have learnt to accept that apology I will never get and carry on being a sibling, an endeavouring wife and a better mother.
We are all wrong at some points of our lives, but we always mess up by assuming we are so right most of the time that the wrong needs no apology. No one is wrong constantly and no one one is always right therefore as much as we praise the right and the beauty in each other, let us learn to also apologise for the wrong in ourselves.