Every part of me divorced my parents at the age of 21 and this was the only way I could recover what was left of me to be a decent human being. I needed to let the anger go without it eating me inside and I also needed to separate myself from what was angering me. I learnt in the next year or so to accept, acknowledge and forgive. Best of all I desperately needed accept the apology I would probably never receive.
My siblings and I probably had an almost enviable upbringing. We were never in need or want. My dad was almost always ready to supply us with the bikes, the swimming lessons and as the teen years approached, the pocket money for weekend movie dates with friends. As the years rolled on and we grew older, innocence seemed to wash our eyes clean, and the variation between the needs and wants seemed to be so far apart. My parents separated in the late years of my teens, the middle years of my sister’s teens and in my brother’s pre-teens. I can safely say, I have only just begun healing. I always wished my parents could have just completed the course of parenting us and then sent us into the real world, unfortunately I had to put on those big girl panties pretty early – brave faced and all.
In our home there was your parents’ relationship, there was the relationship you have with your parents, there was the relationship your parents have with you, there was the relationship that they wanted you to have with your siblings and then there was the real relationship you had with each other – All very different and not in sync.
This confusion made me go through my teen yours carrying a lot of anger and confusion. A lot of suppressed anger and hurt.
That lack of apology disempowers, it disables the heart and the mind. It made me sick to the core.
My parents and I have since been on a road to reunion and re-establishing our relationships but it is not easy, because there is still no vocalised “I’m Sorry”. Two words so powerful and life-changing.
An apology would have probably made my life better and changed me sooner. Perhaps my parents and I with that single apology could be closer now than we would have ever been or we are. Perhaps that apology could heal my relationship with my siblings. But I have learnt to accept that apology I will never get and carry on being a sibling, an endeavouring wife and a better mother.
We are all wrong at some points of our lives, but we always mess up by assuming we are so right most of the time that the wrong needs no apology. No one is wrong constantly and no one one is always right therefore as much as we praise the right and the beauty in each other, let us learn to also apologise for the wrong in ourselves.
Can’t believe this is exactly what I’m going through.
Hi Olwethu
I’m so glad you reposted this article on your twitter page giving me a chance to read it. While reading this I actually had my eyes fill up with tears cos this speaks to the relationship I currently have with my mother. My dad passed away when I was 10 and my mom is basically the only parent I know. In 2018 my boyfriend proposed and we had plans to quickly get married cos of personal issue (not pregnancy though…lol). My mother was not happy at all, mind you i was 37 at the time and the guy was an old boyfriend of 8 years.
We’ve had our ups and downs with the fiancé during our relationship and maybe due to that she developed feelings of resentment towards him but never told me. So during the whole negotiations and planning she started developing a whole lotta anger. She was angry all the time shouting at me saying we are rushing into things. The neighbour and friend were more excited than she was. The negotiations were a nightmare cos she made sure things went her way….Anyway she said such hurtful things during that phase but what brings me most tears is the fact that I had a wedding in 2019 and my mother didn’t even know what I was going to be wearing on my wedding day. She was so angry and my in-laws felt it. If my husband didn’t really love me, I’m sure he would cancelled the entire plans cos of the tension there was. My mother didn’t even sit me down (prepare me for marriage instead her friends and sisters were the ones that stepped up). On my wedding day she was there physically but it was so obvious she was no happy. After the wedding I actually tried to make our relationship work but she couldn’t even bring herself to call my husband her “Mkhwenyana” and my mother in law “Mlingani” as it’s suppose to be in Zulu tradition.
Fast forward to a couple of months to after the wedding I decided to divorce her and be present in my marriage cos my husband and I started fighting over her behaviour. I had to stop taking sides and defending her behaviour cos of blood and concentrated on my marriage. My husband cried real tears because he had anticipated love and welcome from her and he was not getting that. We decided to just let her be and continue with our lives. With that I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that she was never a part of my special day . I had envisioned my marriage and it’s preparations differently in my head but they were just a dream I had. I have no memories with her on that day cos she decided to be distant and not involve herself.
Our current situation is that we are now on little speaking terms and she does from time to time say I must say hello to my husband (which is an improvement). Even if she gets to a stage where she shows our marriage love and acceptance, fact is she never apolosed for her behaviour and worse she will never get to share such a beautiful celebration with me ever again.
Anyway I feel better just writing this and believe me, my mother is the “breadwinner”type of person, no one tells her anything including her sisters, she is always right! I’ve learnt that sometimes you need to just move on cos you will never get the apology you think you require and I’ve done that but the heart will always remember. She is my mother and I love her and can never hold any grudges against her. This is such an emotional subject for me and I don’t think she understands the damage she has done which she can never be able to amend cos I will only get married once and I will never have memories of my mother on my wedding day 😥. Anyway thank you for this article, thank you for making me see that I am not alone.
Love you content, love your blog ❤️