3 suicide attempts
After at least 3 suicide attempts, on the 24th of April 2000 my eldest brother, Masilo, finally took his life at around 16h00 at the tender age of 26. The irony of this happening on Family Day will never escape me. This happened 16 months after the passing of my other brother, Thabang, on 24 December 1998 following a horrific car crash and precisely 1809 days after my dad passed on following a car crash on 12 May 1995. Hardly 5 months since the passing of our uncle, my mom’s brother, late December 1999. For good measure, 2 months later, my grandfather, my dad’s father, passed away due to Leukemia. Mind you, my mom’s father had passed away in June 1994. So, between June 1994 and June 2000, I lost about 6 really close loved ones. All men.
Being amongst the first people to discover Masilo’s lifeless body hanging from the ceiling, I kept wondering for the longest of time how things would’ve turned out if we got there a minute or two earlier. It is a question I still ask myself today.
“This is the end of the road”
Nothing says “this is the end of the road” quite like death. Death is so definitive. Losing a loved one through sickness or an accident is straightforward, you can “easily” account for their passing, but losing them through suicide leaves the door so ajar, it isn’t quite conclusive, especially if they didn’t leave a note. It is like a thesis paper with no conclusion. You can never fully appreciate the why. You ask yourself so many questions and wonder about so many things such as 1) What was my role in it? How did I miss it? What could have I done to prevent it? What if they had a change of heart when they were in the process? Why my loved one?
It has been an emotional roller coaster me, especially because, after the passing of my father, my eldest brother, was the closest thing to a father I had. I admired him so much. I was very close to him. I even stayed with him for a year when I started high school. He is indirectly responsible for why I became a Chartered Accountant. In Grade 8, I disrespected my Accounting teacher in front of him during a parents’ meeting and he gave me the hottest clap I’ve ever encountered. My ear still rings when I think about that moment. I told myself I am going to do extremely well in Accounting to shut the teacher and my brother’s mouths up. Suffice to say, I eventually fell in love with the subject. I became the top Accounting student for pretty much my entire high school tenure.
Spirits Broken & Societal Taboos
Suicide leaves more than just death scars for loved ones – it breaks spirits. It builds a lot of self-doubt. The societal taboo of it and shame it brings to the families of loved ones, makes the pain even more unbearable as one cannot really freely speak about it without being made to feel that they have a dark cloud over their head. The process of healing from losing a loved one through suicide is so strange and counterintuitive. It changes one’s outlook on relationships with people. You are, at times, too afraid to voice out your true opinions out of fear to hurt or upset people out of fear of driving people to suicide. You have invisible chains. It is such an imprisoning feeling.
In those gruesome six years between 1994 and 2000, neither I, nor my siblings have had any form of trauma counselling or any form of professional psychological help. In fact, it hasn’t happened till this day. We have simply just carried on with our lives; Afterall, people come and go, right? Well, wrong! People don’t just come and go. People leave a lasting memory in our hearts and minds. Prayer and traditional cleansing ceremonies are just not enough to adequately deal with the pain of losing a loved one. Bottling and not talking about pain and suffering is likely to lead one into a depressed state and having suicidal thoughts. I am not only attributing my brother’s suicide to the trauma of those six horrible years, but I feel subconsciously, they may have contributed to his state of mind.
Normalise Professional Help
We need to normalize getting professional help to deal with trauma and that will hopefully contribute to inculcating a culture of speaking about many other challenges we go through and not “giving in” and ending it all because there’s no way out. Because there is always a way out. The human spirit is one of resilience and fortitude and can overcome even the hardest of adversities.
On this World Suicide Prevention Day, let’s choose to be a society and generation that not only removes the stigma associated with suicide, but also one that conducts itself with love, open minds, empathy, kindness, generosity and forgiveness. More importantly, let’s choose to forgive ourselves. Furthermore, let’s forgive and accept the decisions of those who have committed suicide and release them.
This is such an awesome article. Thank you for sharing. I too have so many questions following suicides of those close to us. You always ask what more could you have done. We indeed need to be okay with getting a different perspective fro a professional.
I really wish ‘Professional Help’ could come as free and easily accessible. Because death is an everyday thing. Many families, do need it but most are just in the dark, do not know where to start. Imagine the deep rural villages of Burgersfort, some really get it hard.
I am sorry about the 6 souls that demised Leshabane, may God heal you all.
This is so beautifully written. Praying for your healing Neo.
We need to normalize talking about suicide even with survivors, my younger sister tried to commit suicide but survived till this day as a family we’ve never talked about it or even confront her, I waited for my parents to talk to her but nothing. 😓
Wow! So well written . Thank you for the piece.I found a piece of myself in this having lost my dad and very close relatives without getting any sort of professional help , we just had to move on with life. Pain becomes part of u for life but I guess u get used to the idea of not having them around . Sometimes u wonder if u prayed enough 🙁
Thank you for for sharing your loss experiences and I am very sorry for your pain. I lost my dad to suicide on 19 May 2012. He was the “Robin Williams” of the family, funny, happy, high spirited, and like Robin, took his own life to everyone’s shock and disbelief! He left a note but it offered no comfort or closure. I only started healing when I had recurring dreams from him telling me he’s happy and ok. Bless you, and once again, I’m very sorry for your painful losses.
The idea that talking , especially, about grief in the African culture is so unbecoming is one of the most hurtful things that keep us chained to our brief. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making it okay to want to tell about grief.
Thank you. Your piece means so much. I can relate as I have been where your brother was before his final attempt. Family is why I won’t ever attempt to opt out again. May his soul rest in eternal peace and those of all your loved ones you have lost.
Neo, thank you so much for sharing this❤. We are enlightened and more thoughtful because of it.
Thank you for sharing this, I know it will help a lot of us out there…
I believe like we have health care facilities that are for free, we should have more mental care facilities. Sometimes one needs counseling but can’t afford the fees needed by phsycologists also FAMSA they just provide telephonic counseling which if you call again you will be speaking to another phsycologist, LifeLine is flooded, one is lucky to get free counseling there.
We need more mental health care facilities.
Thank you for this! I lost my nephew to suicide, and it’s been a difficult journey, I haven’t healed. I ask myself what is it that I didn’t do for him, he had just passed grade 12, and was going to go to varsity. Accounting was his favourite subject and he did excelled in it!
Kukhanye
Thank you Neo. Having struggled with depression trauma and anxiety I have had my fair share of attempts. Not all known by my livrd ones. On my last attempt, my sisters begged me not to fo it again. Not to make them sisters of someone who committed suicide. They don’t know what a tall ask it is. I’m trying out of love for them and to an extent myself but I know everyday that the pain will only ever truly go away when I die. That’s the problem. Being asked to live in pain. It seems so small but by god, it is not. But, we keep going.
Thank you for sharing your heavy experience on your Brother’s suicide loss.I lost mine to it on the 6th of June.It is still so raw.I have made much progress in terms of healing and the trauma.He left a suicidal note that was thought through and gave me peace in his departure.He was in pain.Mental pain,so overwhelming,that made everything else not meaningful.Although I couldn’t have stopped,I wish I would have been able to make his pain better.We need to be more sensitive as a society.
Thank you so much for sharing this Neo. I lost my uncle to suicide – my mom literally cries every year in Feb when he shot himself and survived the surgery but succumbed to the wound not recovering. Then again in April on his birthday. The forgiving and releasing part is what is hardest for a lot of people.
I lost my brother to suicide as well in 2017 and he had graduated in March with a degree in agricultural science. He studied at the university of Fort Hare and the problem was that he did not receive his certificate because he had a debt at school so could not apply for a job. But that was not the problem my brother had a problem and he needed a male figure in his life. Well his problem started in 2014 December and l was in Cape Town to spend my December holidays and my sister and brother were back here in East London. So he told my mom that he had a problem and could not tell anybody about it and so my mom decided that he goes and see a healer and my cousin accompanied him but when they got the healer was a female and he refused to talk. And my mom decided that he goes to King Williams Town because our father lived there. This was in 2014 December and l was in Cape Town, and l received a call from my mom demanding my fathers cell number, and l asked my mom what was the problem she told me that my father told my brother to commit suicide because if he had that problem he would kill himself. So basically my father gave my father the authority to kill himself but he did not do it at that time he continued with his studies. And my brother had one day told my sister he has never thought about taking his own life but when it came to that situation he was in he just wanted to. And funny enough l have always knew that my brother was eventually going to take his life. So my brother was doing nothing in 2017 could not apply for job because he did not obtain his certificate when he graduated. But my sister got a job at that year and was also accepted to study at Nelson Mandela University. So he was so happy and he had just did his learners and he was so excited about it and he was telling me that he was going to apply everywhere for job the following year just like my sister did. So all in all his suicide had nothing to do with his education or him not getting a job. He would of still done it with or without a job. His father let him done maybe if gave him a different answer he would still be here with us today. And l remember the day after his passing my sister went to where he had taken his life. And l told my sister that we should forgive him in order for to heal and be able to move on with our lives we should forgive him. I’m still hurt still to this day but l want to belive that he is at a better place.
Thank you.
I am fascinated by death, haven’t tried committing suicide but for the past three years I have had intense thoughts about it. I feel like I will die young but such stories make me think of my family and allow me to hold on for at least another day, that another day has kept me going for three years.
My youngest brother is not talking to anyone at home. We have become strangers to him. He doesn’t want any kind of help. Any advice? He is 22 years young, he is no longer going to school.
Sisi Olwethu, there’s not a day that goes by that never incriminates me because of how much I feel stagnant. I have failed to achieve the simplest thing of all the things I’ve ever thought I’d ever achieve, a degree. What makes this to hang this much in my gut is the fact that I’ve never failed at school, school has never been something hard to achieve for me, then what has gone wrong!
I was born in 1994 and this is the first period in my life I’ve ever had to cringe from the knowledge of seeing tomorrow. Every night, just like today, I lose sleep because I try and think of the way I could possibly save myself off this situation. As much suicide is not a solution but sometimes it does feel like an option.
It breaks my heart to live in the contemplation of whatever I might be planning as a gateway could actually not manifest, I know it’s not the right mentality, but tell me how does a person begins to beauty in the morning glory when the morning comes with the agony of the misfortunes of yesterday. I don’t want to, but my heart is slowly losing a grip on God, I don’t want to but it’s circumstantial. I need help and I need it now. Sometimes I want to breakdown but I can’t because I don’t know what am I going to tell my family about why I’m crying. It’s a lot Sisi!
Thank you and to bhuti Neo for sharing this. I know it has spoken a sense of life in my broken spirit. Because of this blog entry, I’m not going to do it Sisi Olwethu.
Touched 🙏healing is a process indeed..Thank you for sharing this it has touched me in so many ways
I’m going through self doubt I’m not gonna lie the thought of suicide is a thought that is frequently on my mind but the word of God gives me comfort,hope & faith
Thank you
This is such an honest account of the never-ending journey one is bound to after a loved one takes their own life. Thank you for sharing. The section on spirits broken and societal taboos is something that closely resonates with me. It’s been 8 years since we lost someone to suicide yet I’m still so so angry! Not only did they take their own life yet upset everyone’s around them. Our family was never and will never be the same. My loss extends beyond the one person. Like you indicated you have to internalize everything for fear of upsetting others. Funny thing is that it could be prevented had my parents acted on their earlier impulse – sometimes fate overrides intervention. Never take anyone’s life for granted. You ended beautifully re forgiveness yet this remains my biggest obstacle in life.
wow! firstly, i pray you and your family receive the healing you need.
I agree wholeheartedly with this and thank you for being a mouth piece for normalizing getting professional help, especially in our black and informed communities. It starts with feelings of depression and we act strong. We need to create an environment of love in our community so that people struggling with suicide and depression do not feel judged and powerless. Suicide is not more powerful than love.
You are the personification of a gold.
Yho, i said once i would end it all. The coldness of hearing you’re selfish, i’m going to struggle to bury you because policies dont pay for suicide. Then nothing no one asks whats up. We pretend/tip toe around each other. I’m a talker so i do say now and then my issues, but because we were raised in a toxic home, with hate, negativity, no warmth or nurturing. We simply dont care about one another. You’re told you like attention. Sigh!!!
This is so heartbreaking, I am so touched and thank you for sharing Mr Leshabane.. Sending my sincerly prayers 🙏 let there be healing in your hearts